Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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