I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
