I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
