I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
