Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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