even my farts smell like vagina
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
