Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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