Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
