I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
