I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
