I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
