White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize