I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
