I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
