the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
