Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
