If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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