Duck Duck Cougar?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
