please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize