Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
