i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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