he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
