I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
