Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
