It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize