just survived the first fart of the relationship.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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