Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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