ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
