its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
