I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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