Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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