I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
