I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
