now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
