You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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