I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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