Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there's paper in my vomit.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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