I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
