So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
