who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
