Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
