My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
