Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
