This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
