The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
