You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
