She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
