he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize