plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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