Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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