My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
