I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
