I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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