After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
