dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Randomize
