look no pants
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
