I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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