how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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