Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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