"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
