Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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