I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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