I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
They have beer where we have blood.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
