I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
