I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I am naked and annoyed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
